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This Is Your Last Warning

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March 12, 2003
True fiction

This Is Your Last Warning

By Mick Hume.

To mark No Smoking Day, the European Union has issued dire messages to scare the public

FROM THE European Commission Committee for the Control of Public/ Private Behaviour:

The new health warnings on cigarettes are another triumph for the EU. To facilitate the public’s informed choice to do as we tell them, we have instructed Europe’s consumers not only that “Smoking kills”, but also that “Smoking may cause a slow and painful death”; not only that “Smoking while pregnant harms your baby”, but also that “Smoking may reduce the blood flow, and causes impotence”.

However, it appears that nobody is taking any notice. Despite our best efforts to save Europeans from themselves, millions continue to defy our advice and various bans by smoking in private. It is therefore proposed to intensify the campaign.

Here are the proposed new EU warnings for the UK cigarette market, with alternatives to be used wherever they are deemed more relevant to the target audience:

  • Smoking causes wars

  • Smoking can turn you into a racist/an in-line skater.

  • Smoking is the biggest factor contributing to global warming.

  • Smoking depresses property prices in nice residential areas.

  • Some 80 per cent of bogus asylum seekers smoke. (Lawyers’ note: unconfirmed, but legal action seems unlikely.)

  • Smoking while young can lead to unsafe sex, teenage pregnancy and spots.

  • Smoking while pregnant can get you pointed at on the bus.

  • Smoking leads to bullying, truancy and disappointing examination results.

  • Smokers can spontaneously combust.

  • Cigarettes can contribute to obesity; smoking makes you fat.

  • Cigarettes can contribute to eating disorders; smoking makes you anorexic.

  • Osama bin Laden and Saddam Hussein smoke. David Beckham and Michael Owen don’t. (See lawyers’ note above.)

  • Camilla smokes. Diana didn’t. (Lawyers’ note — OK.)

  • Smoking causes baldness.

  • Smoking causes badness.

  • Smoking can split the Tory party/ bring about the return of a Tory government.

  • Smoking depletes biodiversity.

  • Smoking can cause hairy backs and beards.

  • Smoking can seriously impair your text messaging.

  • Smoking during time of war is a crime against humanity.

  • Smoking causes famine, Third World debt and over-population.

  • Smoking is the new nose-picking.

  • Smoking is a mortal sin.

  • Smoking is an abomination in the eyes of Allah.

  • French people smoke a lot, and look at them.

  • Cigarettes fund the global expansion of American multinationals.

  • Smoking leads to Chinese communism.

  • Smoking in a car is a main cause of traffic congestion.

  • Smoking contributes to little donkeys being rendered down for glue.

  • Smoking seriously damages your self-esteem and your credit rating.

  • Smoking leads to fox-hunting/ vegetarianism.

  • Smoking leads to sentimentality/ senseless violence.

  • Smoking makes you more likely to be abducted by aliens.

  • Smoking causes boy bands.

  • Smoke gets in your eyes.

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