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A Smokers Warning To Snickers Eaters:
You may applaud the hassles smokers are being put through. But, let’s say “they” (the government, do-gooders, health-experts) decide to go after you, the SNICKERS eater using the same tactics!
- Some wannabe famous expert will write a government funded (your tax dollars) investigation paper on the hazards of eating Snickers bars. This will make him/her famous and the wannabe will get a research grant (your tax dollars) for further research.
- Further research will start with the pre-conceived hazard premise and manipulate statistics to prove it with your tax dollars. There will be studies based on studies which are illicit in statistical ethics.
- Government officials and politicians (paid with your tax dollars) will study, write legislation and have hearings on these pumped up statistics.
- Snickers-bars will have Surgeon General labels warning of the hazards of obesity, heart failure, cholesterol and strokes.
- The Snickers-bar maker’s lawyers/lobbyists (your Snickers dollars) will fight further legislation with government officials (your tax dollars).
- North-Worst airlines will ban Snickers eating on any of its flights under two hours.
- School teachers (paid with your tax dollars) will start giving warning classes on the dangers of Snickers eating. (They have plenty of time, they don’t teach reading and arithmetic anymore.)
- Morons with imagined Snickers allergies would start coming out of the woodwork. The fact that they have imagined allergies to everything under the sun will be swept under the carpet.
- California will ban Snickers eating in all public places & restaurants. They will still allow building these places on known earthquake faults.
- Snickers eating will be banned in the workplace. Snickers eaters have to go outside in the snow and rain for their choice. The untrue rumor will start that they are off work more with colds and flu than other workers because they go outside. Actually, in everyone’s experience, it’s the all-allergy people who are off work more. Allergics now blame second hand Snickers fumes.
- The local authority lawyers (your tax dollars) sue the Snickers makers for all the obesity health costs in their states. If they get a settlement they immediately put it in a fund to defend the local police (your tax dollars) against the Department of Justice accusations and hearings (your tax dollars) about police brutality.
- Ex Snickers eaters will sue the makers because they ate the bars despite the warnings.
- A government investigation of several billion dollars (your tax dollars) will conclude that Snickers put more Snickers in their Snickers bars to make them more addictive.
- Doctors, who mis-medicate 40,000 to 90,000 people to death per year, will get on the Snickers derision bandwagon. Doctors associate every disease known to man as Snickers-related.
- Everybody who dies, who has ever eaten or been in the area of a Snickers eating, will become a Snickers-related death in statistics.
- The pharmaceutical industry joins the feeding frenzy by making a Snickers patch. They have an actor who played a pseudo doctor on “Law-and Order” talk about the “medicine” (Snickers) in the patch.
- Shopkeepers will incur the expense of having to card any underage Snickers purchaser.
- Snickers eating will be associated with leading to hard drug usage and moral degeneration. (The Munchies.)
- Statistics (your tax dollars) will show that children of Snickers eaters are smaller, allergy-prone and sickly.
- Statistics (your tax dollars) will show that Sneakers eating is less among college-educated persons.
- Bubba Clinton will get in on the act to hide one or more of his depravities. He will work “For the children” and “The American People” into the speech.