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The Smoker's Club, Inc.

You are about to be re-directed to the new home of The United Pro Choice Smokers Rights Newsletter at

I am sick, and it's tobacco-related.

However, I'm going to step out of line here, and be one of the few people in America who isn't going to sue the tobacco companies for this. You see, I'm sick and tired of watching America break down, one piece at a time, in plain sight. It's a jury awarding more money than a company's net worth by a judge who's a party in a case he's trying. It's the government sticking its nose into places where it doesn't belong. It's the increased price of tobacco and loss of places in which to enjoy a smoke. It's illegal taxation without representation. Who do I sue?

I'm not going to make it a Class-Action Suit. If the tobacco companies can be sued even after the Great Tobacco Settlement, I can see that this is No-Man's Land as far as litigation is involved. I'm gonna have me a First-Class Action Suit. I'm going to sue everybody in the world for everything. And, I'm going to start with you!

Did you drive a car today? Did you enjoy electricity, eat out-of-season fruit, and is your refrigerator full? You're guilty. The car puts out poison in the exhaust. The power plant, using the finest scrubbers, still requires thousands of men to dig the coal. They all get to work in cars. Guilty again. How's that banana taste? A diesel freighter brought it up from BananaLand, and it chugged hundreds of pounds of soot into the air. Okay, some of it came back to the sea, fouling the life there, but most of it entered the atmosphere and screwed up the local weather. Sort of like Merry Old London in the days of coal. Guilty yet again. Next you're going to tell me you've got one of those propane-fired, non-electric refrigerators. Nonetheless, you're adding to the amount of garbage in the air that I'm forced to breathe. I win this First-Class Action Suit as a nolo contendere.

Oh, my stars and garters! I just found out that all that money I won went to the lawyers and anything left got spent for studies and programs. What did I get out of it? Nothing. Time for the Second Act to open.

I'm going to sue the manufacturers of cars, the electric company, Chiquita Banana herself, and the descendants of Lord Kelvin. Then I'm going to get the companies that have anything to do with them - list 'em as co-conspirators or something. Heck, as long as I'm in the mood, might as well sue 'em all and let the Judge weed out the ones he doesn't make money on. Do I sound upset?

Hang on, I'm just starting. This train's bound for glory, and nothing's going to stop it. When I'm done suing everybody in the United States, I'll have my lawyer run over to The Hague and we'll sue everybody in the world! Why waste time on just one country when there's a whole world out there. I'm sure that some guy with no vowels in his last name, no consonants in his first, won't mind the extra few dollars he's put out for this to happen.

I know what you're thinking. I can stop the lawsuits now. But no! The government is funding looking for life on other planets. I'll sue them, too.

In this age of frivolous lawsuits fed by greed to a new breed of "Class-Action- Lawyers, I don't want to be on the cutting edge of low technology.

Regards to all!