You are about to be re-directed to the new home of The United Pro Choice Smokers Rights Newsletter at http://www.smokersclubinc.com
I am sick, and it's tobacco-related.
However, I'm going to step
out of line here, and be one of the few people in America who isn't going
to sue the tobacco companies for this. You see, I'm sick and tired of
watching America break down, one piece at a time, in plain sight. It's a
jury awarding more money than a company's net worth by a judge who's a
party in a case he's trying. It's the government sticking its nose into
places where it doesn't belong. It's the increased price of tobacco and
loss of places in which to enjoy a smoke. It's illegal taxation without
representation. Who do I sue?
I'm not going to make it a Class-Action Suit. If the tobacco
companies can be sued even after the Great Tobacco Settlement, I can see
that this is No-Man's Land as far as litigation is involved. I'm gonna have
me a First-Class Action Suit. I'm going to sue everybody in the world for
everything. And, I'm going to start with you!
Did you drive a car today? Did you enjoy electricity, eat
out-of-season fruit, and is your refrigerator full? You're guilty. The car
puts out poison in the exhaust. The power plant, using the finest
scrubbers, still requires thousands of men to dig the coal. They all get to
work in cars. Guilty again. How's that banana taste? A diesel freighter
brought it up from BananaLand, and it chugged hundreds of pounds of soot
into the air. Okay, some of it came back to the sea, fouling the life
there, but most of it entered the atmosphere and screwed up the local
weather. Sort of like Merry Old London in the days of coal. Guilty yet
again. Next you're going to tell me you've got one of those propane-fired,
non-electric refrigerators. Nonetheless, you're adding to the amount of
garbage in the air that I'm forced to breathe. I win this First-Class
Action Suit as a nolo contendere.
Oh, my stars and garters! I just found out that all that money I
won went to the lawyers and anything left got spent for studies and
programs. What did I get out of it? Nothing. Time for the Second Act to open.
I'm going to sue the manufacturers of cars, the electric company,
Chiquita Banana herself, and the descendants of Lord Kelvin. Then I'm going
to get the companies that have anything to do with them - list 'em as
co-conspirators or something. Heck, as long as I'm in the mood, might as
well sue 'em all and let the Judge weed out the ones he doesn't make money
on. Do I sound upset?
Hang on, I'm just starting. This train's bound for glory, and
nothing's going to stop it. When I'm done suing everybody in the United
States, I'll have my lawyer run over to The Hague and we'll sue everybody
in the world! Why waste time on just one country when there's a whole world
out there. I'm sure that some guy with no vowels in his last name, no
consonants in his first, won't mind the extra few dollars he's put out for
this to happen.
I know what you're thinking. I can stop the lawsuits now. But no!
The government is funding looking for life on other planets. I'll sue them,
In this age of frivolous lawsuits fed by greed to a new breed of
"Class-Action- Lawyers, I don't want to be on the cutting edge of low
Regards to all!